[Alecto stands]

Alecto:     If it pleases the court, one of our colleagues will interrogate the next witness.

Bush:       I thought you just gave your closing argument. Can she call another witness now?

Louis:      The court of history is an endless process. There's always room for another revisionist view.

[Taylor enters from behind Bush so he can't see her. As she passes him she brushes her hand across his shoulders.]

Taylor:     Hello, lover.

Bush:       Wait a minute. What's she doing her?

Louis:      I believe she is going to question the next witness.

Bush:       She can't do that!

Louis:      Why not?

Bush:       Because... well... because... she's dead!

Louis:      So am I. If you haven't noticed, all of us here are dead, one way or the other.

Taylor:     Some of us just from the waist down.

Alecto:     The prosecution calls Laura Bush.

[Enter Mrs. Bush who sits in the witness stand.]

Bush:       Wait a minute. That's my wife. What's she doing here?

Louis:      The prosecution has called her as a witness.

Bush:       You can't call a wife as a witness.

Louis:      Sure you can. Some of the best information in history has come from the private memoirs of spouses and lovers. I think you call it kiss and tell.

Taylor:     Your name, please?

Mrs. Bush:  (hesitates) Laura Bush.

Taylor:     Your occupation?

Mrs. Bush:  I am the First Lady of the United States.

Taylor:     Do you recognize the man sitting at that table?

Mrs. Bush:  That is my husband, President George W. Bush.

(The Furies hiss.)

Bush:       Oh, God.

Taylor:     When did you first meet President Bush?

Mrs. Bush:  In 1977.

Taylor:     Under what circumstances.

Mrs. Bush:  We met at a party given by mutual friends.

Taylor:     Was President Bush in politics at the time?

Mrs. Bush:  No. He was in the oil business.

Taylor:     Is he still in the oil business?

Mrs. Bush:  No, I believe that would be Vice President Cheney who is still in the oil business.

Taylor:     Did your husband ever tell a lie?

Mrs. Bush:  No. He never tells lies. Sometimes he gets a little confused, but that could happen to anybody.

Taylor:     Confused? Could you give an example?

Mrs. Bush:  The invasion of Iraq, for instance. That was just the result of a little misunderstanding.

Taylor:     What do you mean?

Mrs. Bush:  We were watching The Thin Red Line in the private screening room when George asked Jenna what she wanted for her birthday. Jenna jokingly said Sean Penn. The next thing I knew we'd invaded Iraq.

Taylor:     I see. And has he ever lied to you.?

Mrs. Bush:  Never.

Taylor:     Never? Not once?

Mrs. Bush:  Not once.

Taylor:     How about sex?

Mrs. Bush:  George and I have a healthy sex life.

Taylor:     He's never lied to you about sex? All men do that.

Mrs. Bush:  Not George.

Taylor:     He's getting a little bit on the side though, isn't he?

Mrs. Bush:  Absolutely not.

Taylor:     Oh, come on. All presidents do it.

Mrs. Bush:  Not all.

Taylor:     Thomas Jefferson had Sally Hemmings. Grover Cleveland had Maria Halpin. Clinton had a few quickies now and then.

Mrs. Bush:  George and I believe in maintaining a good Christian household. Such behavior is unbecoming a President.

Taylor:     FDR diddled around with Lucy Mercer. JFK nailed Marilyn Monroe. Even Ike had a girl friend in Europe. Why do you think your husband is any different?

Mrs. Bush:  I know George. He wouldn't do something like that.

Taylor:     Not even his secretary?

Mrs. Bush:  Never.

Taylor:     Not even one with (Taylor describes herself as she preens.)

Mrs. Bush:  Absolutely not. A floosie like that would never attract my George.

Taylor:     Floosie? What do you know about floosies?

Mrs. Bush:  I know that women like that try to lure men to betray their wives. My George would never betray me.

Taylor:     You want to try that again, sister?

Mrs. Bush:  My husband is a good Christian husband.

Taylor:     And he never fooled around with another woman?

Mrs. Bush:  That's right.

Taylor:     Not even when you had to go stay with your mother for five days when she had her gall bladder removed?

Mrs. Bush:  Gall bladder?

Taylor:     Wasn't it her gall bladder?

Mrs. Bush:  My mother never had her gall bladder removed. She had breast cancer.

Taylor:     Ah, then, when you were attending her.

Mrs. Bush:  What are you saying?

Taylor:     Isn't it true that you keep a pink teddy bear that you had as a child next to your bed?

Mrs. Bush:  Yes.

Taylor:     A teddy bear which you affectionately call "Snoogums."

Mrs. Bush:  I don't see what...

Taylor:     And which your husband calls, "That damn bear," whenever you put it in the bed between him and you.

Mrs. Bush:  I beg your pardon.

Taylor:     You are going to have to beg more than that. You keep a diary, too, don't you?

Mrs. Bush:  Well, yes...

Taylor:     The key to which you always keep secretly hidden where no one can find it.

Mrs. Bush:  What?

Taylor:     A key that looks like this. (holds up a diary key)

Mrs. Bush:  Where did you get that?

Taylor:     A key that you so cleverly hid inside your pink teddy bear. Where you thought your husband wouldn't look. The one he used to open your diary when you were gone.

Mrs. Bush:  That's a lie.

Taylor:     The diary he shared with his girlfriend.

Mrs. Bush:  That's simply not true.

Taylor:     The diary they would laugh over as they laid on your bed together.

Mrs. Bush:  I am not going to listen to you impugn the character of a fine man that way. My husband...

Taylor:     Snorts when he had sex and yells "yippie tie yay, ride 'em, cowboy." Something you found "strangely endearing while characteristically juvenile."

Mrs. Bush:  I did not.

Taylor:     And you also complained about him yelling "Take that, Saddam!" whenever he...

Mrs. Bush:  You shut up!

Louis:      Your honor, I object.

Mrs. Bush:  I recognize you now. You're that woman.

Taylor:     It's always "that woman," isn't it? I never had sexual relations with "that woman."

Mrs. Bush:  You've been trying to take George away.

Taylor:     Trying? Honey, I didn't try. I succeeded.

Louis:      Your honor, I simply must insist...

(Judge bangs his gavel.)

Mrs. Bush:  Succeeded? Why, you little tramp. You think just because you flash your thong at a man that gives you some kind of ownership rights?

Taylor:     I didn't just flash my thong, sweetie.

Mrs. Bush:  It is haughty trollops like you that bring the wrath of God down upon these states...

Taylor:     Trollop! Listen, you bitch!

Mrs. Bush:  Harlot!

Taylor:     Ball Buster!

(Judge bangs his gavel more energetically.)

Mrs. Bush:  Strumpet!

Taylor:     Twat!

Mrs. Bush:  Slut!

Megaera:    (Jumps up) Death Cage Match!

(Tisiphone and Alecto hiss at Megaera.)

[Taylor and Mrs. Bush start fighting while continuing to yell insults. The bailiff tries to separate them. Louis tries to help . The Furies also try to help, except for Megaera who cheers them on. Finally the fight moves off stage with all characters exiting except for Bush and the Judge.]

Bush:       The hell with this.

[Bush runs off stage in the opposite direction.]

[The Furies enter and exit after Bush. Megaera stops in the center of the stage.]

Megaera:    Isn't this great! The girls are tearing each other apart, the men are being boxed about as they try to separate them, and now George has run off and we have to chase them down and drag his ass back here again.

(laughs)

Everything is chaos! Everything is turmoil!

"I am come to send fire on the earth; and what will I, if it be already kindled? But I have a baptism to be baptized with; and how am I straitened till it be accomplished! Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three..."

(laughs)

[Alecto and Tisiphone run onto stage, grab Megaera by the arms, and drag her, still laughing, off stage.]