Act II, Scene 2

[The courtroom.  The judge, bailiff, Alecto, Tisiphone, Megaera, Louis and Moore are on stage.  The sign has been changed to reads "Qui in hunc locum veniunt, relinquete omnem maiestatem."  Moore is testifying.  Next to Moore is an easel with several items which he flips over from time to time.  The top one is a poster with pictures of prominent politicians, corporate logos and national flags.  There is a crows nest of lines and arrows pointing from icon to icon.]

Moore:      ...you can see the relation between the President and the bin Laden family.  The Carlyle Group is the key here.  They all hold positions on the Board or are prominent investors.  This chart shows George H. W. Bush, James Baker, Harold Eisenhower and Samantha Gray, leading to John Major, the Hilton twins, who were used to carry secret messages between Dick Cheney and Moktada al-Sadr on three separate occasions, and Prince Sultan bin Abdul Aziz, who I demonstrated earlier was really one of three Centaurans to infiltrate the Saudi Royal Family after their space craft crashed in the desert in 1972...

[Enter Bush running.]

George:     Oh, fuck. 

Moore:      ...this line leads to the Exxon Corporation and this other line leads to Disney, that one's much too long, which was complicit in the theft of the 2000 election when they infiltrated two accountants, dressed in Mickey and Goofy costumes, into the Dade County Election Board to count hanging chads...

Louis:      Are you alright?

George:     Am I alright?  Listen, I need to talk to you.  I am not who you think I am.

Louis:      Who do you think I think you are?

George:     You think I'm the President of the United States.

Louis:      Nonsense.  I never said you were the President of the United States.  You are the one who said you are the President of the United States.

George:     Oh, well, then you...

Louis:      I said you were King of the United States.  No real difference, mind you, but I am glad you have come around to my way of thinking.

George:     But I'm not the King of the United States.

Louis:      Then you must be the President.  Glad we got that straighten out.

Moore:      ...and the oil companies paid to have the ballots printed such to ensure the outcome would be fixable....

George:     But I'm not either.

Louis:      Either what?

George:     I'm not either President or King of the United States.

Louis:      You are a Prince?

George:     No.  I'm a bond salesman.  I'm not even a politician.  This is crazy!  I shouldn't be here.

Louis:      I agree.  Rulers should never have to be subjected to such indignities.  How could our subjects respect and fear us if they ever saw us in such a state?  So plebian.

George:     No.  This is nuts!  I'm not George W. Bush!

Louis:      Your name is not George W. Bush?

George:     Yes, it is, but...

Louis:      I do not understand your insistence then, that you are not George W. Bush.

George:     I'm not that George W. Bush.

Louis:      Are you saying that you are two people?

George:     Yes.

Louis:      Ah, a split personality.  Legally insane.  Yes, a clever defense.  So, are you saying that you were insane to invade Iraq?

George:     No.  Yes.  I mean, I didn't invade Iraq!

Louis:      I did not mean you personally, of course.  You sent your peasants to do the actual invading.  Rulers never put themselves into a real military situation, unless it is carefully orchestrated, like say, flying along as a passenger in a plane while an experienced pilot lands it on an aircraft carrier deck.  They did not teach you that in the Texas National Guard, did they?

George:     I wasn't in the Texas National Guard!

Louis:      Aha!  So that explains all those missing months.

George:     I'm not the American President!

Louis:      You are an American, are you not?

George:     Yes.

Louis:      Well, there you go.  One is as good as the next.

George:     What?

Louis:      You are just as culpable as anyone else.  Did you vote for him?

George:     I don't remember.

Louis:      Does not matter.  Vote for him.  Vote for the other guy.  They are all the same.  What matters is we will put up a good fight, a vigorous defense, before they find you guilty.

Moore:      ...more than 500 family members of victims of September 11th sued the Saudi royal family and who do you think the Saudis hired to represent them?  (taps the poster)  The law firm of James A. Baker....

George:     Who is this guy?

Louis:      Michael Moore.

George:     What is he doing here?

Louis:      He is testifying that you are responsible for not just the invasion of Iraq and the World Trade Center destruction, but that you and your family have been responsible for every major disaster to occur over the last twenty-five years.  He was a little shaky on proving you personally bought the tickets for the 9/11 hijackers and saw them off at Logan airport, but he was really strong on the whole Invasion of Iraq as a cover for the family oil business.  The best thing is that when you wind him up, he can go on for hours without any prompting.

Moore:      ...and this picture shows that George H. W. Bush was definitely the third man on the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza...

Louis:      By the time he gets done, he will have the jurors convinced you are the Anti-Christ.

[Bush walks over to the Furies.]

Moore:      ...the course of American history.  Without the Bush family's interference in the natural order of things Kennedy would still be alive, Martin Luther King would still be alive, Marilyn Monroe would still be alive, Arnold Schwarzenegger would never have made that Batman movie...

George:     Listen.  There has been a mistake.

[Moore exits.  Cheney enters and takes the stand.]

Alecto:     We don't do mistakes.

George:     I'm not who you think I am.

Tisiphone:  Oh, yes you are.

Megaera:    Nasty monkey.

George:     I'm not the President of the United States.

Alecto:     Yes, you are.

George:     No, I'm not.  Ask him. 

[George points at Louis.  Louis makes an insanity gesture.]

Alecto:     Pleading insanity at this late date is not permitted.  If you had wanted to plead insanity, you should have done it before the trial.

George:     But I'm not insane.  All I'm saying is that I'm not George W. Bush, the President.

Alecto:     Yes, you are.

George:     No, I'm not.  Do I even look like him?

Alecto:     What do you think, girls?  Does he look like George W. Bush?

Tisiphone:  White male.

Megaera:    American.

Tisiphone:  Shifty eyes.

Megaera:    Kind of funny looking.

Tisiphone:  Arrogant.

Megaera:    Pushy.

Tisiphone:  Can't talk worth shit.

Megaera:    Stupid.

Tisiphone:  Can't think worth shit.

Megaera:    Nasty monkey.

Alecto:     You're George W. Bush, alright.

George:     This is a big mistake.

Alecto:     As I said, we don't do mistakes.

Tisiphone:  History doesn't make mistakes.

Megaera:    History lies, but never makes mistakes.

[Bush walks back to the other table.]

Louis:      Get that all straighten out?

George:     No.  You people have got it all wrong.

Louis:      No, we have not.  Here, I will prove it to you.  How do you feel about the people who attacked the U.S. on September 11th?

George:     The folks who conducted to act on our country on September 11th made a big mistake.  They underestimated America.  They underestimated our resolve, our determination, our love for freedom.  They misunderestimated the fact that we love a neighbor in need.  They misunderestimated the compassion of our country.  I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the Commander-in-Chief, too. 

[George sits.]

            Oh my God, I really am President Bush. 

 [Louis gets up.]

Louis:      Mr. Cheney.

Cheney:     What I do is hard.  It's under appreciated.  Especially by bleeding hearts like you who don't understand the difference between freedom and tyranny.  You wouldn't be free if it weren't for me.

Louis:      Are you talking to me?

Cheney:     It is women like her that undermine everything I try to do.  Sure, sometimes I make mistakes.  And sometimes people die.  But it has to be done if I'm going to make this world a better place, a safer place.  One where we can have free markets.  Where American companies can build their factories and sell their products without having some lunatic, indigenous, terrorist group blow them up and kidnap their executives. 

Louis:      Are you still talking to Megaera?

Cheney:     You don't understand the importance of securing the oil supply.  Without that our whole infrastructure collapses.  In order of maintain my standard of living the oil must flow. 

Louis:      Mr. Cheney.

Cheney:     You tell her that she owes everything to me and people like me.  She gets to drive her BMW, and drink her latte, and wear her Dior shoes, and pamper herself in her expensive spa because of me.  What I do.  I keep the wolf away from her door.  I make this country safe.  You tell her.  She owes me.

Louis:      Her?

Cheney:     Yes.  Her.  Who do you think I meant?

Louis:      She does not exist.

Cheney:     What?

Louis:      She is a Fury.  (Furies hiss.)  A Greek myth.  A figment of your imagination, your collective consciousness.  She merely echoes the thoughts of all those who think you are wrong.  She does not really exist.

Megaera:    (jumps up and taunts Cheney)  Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.  You can't touch me.

[The other Furies pull Megaera back into her seat and hiss at her.]

Cheney:     This is a nuthouse.

Louis:      I could not agree with you more.  Shall we crack a few of yours?

Cheney:     What?

Louis:      Vice President Cheney.  Your official responsibilities are what?

Cheney:     I'm second in command of the United States.  I fulfill the tasks given to me by the President.  In case of the incapacity of the President, I become the President of the United States.

Louis:      Does that happen often?

Cheney:     From time to time.

Louis:      Who made the decision to attack the sovereign nation of Iraq?

Cheney:     President Bush.

Louis:      And when was this decision made?

Cheney:     During the election campaign.

Louis:      Really?

Cheney:     Yes.  George told me that once we were in office we needed to find an excuse to take out that son of a bitch, Saddam.

Louis:      So, the whole September 11th thing was just an excuse to attack Iraq?

Cheney:     No.  It created the climate where we could easily attack Iraq.

Louis:      Then why attack Afghanistan?

Cheney:     We had to keep the terrorists' heads down while we got ready to invade Iraq.  Couldn't have them blowing up more buildings.  Would have distracted from the mission.

Louis:      To take out Saddam.

Cheney:     That's right.

Louis:      You are getting ready to invade Iraq and the World Trade Center attack just falls in your lap, as it were.

Cheney:     Yes.

Louis:      Did you know before hand that it was going to happen?

Cheney:     No.  The CIA's not that smart.

Louis:      All the clues were there.

Cheney:     We weren't looking for them.

Louis:      You were looking for reasons to attack Iraq.  You were not looking for reasons to be attacked by Osama bin Laden.  He was just some madman in the desert, right?

Cheney:     Yes.

Louis:      Why were you obsessed with Saddam Hussein?  What could cause you to overlook a nest of fanatic terrorists led by a wealthy zealot who preached "Death to America" and wanted to kill as many of you as he could.

Cheney:     The President wanted it that way.

Louis:      The President wanted all the resources devoted to Iraq?

Cheney:     Yes.

Louis:      And you went along with this.

Cheney:     He's the President.  He's in charge.

Louis:      Thank you, Mr. Cheney.

[Louis sits down.  Megaera jumps up.]

Megaera:    Redirect, your honor.  The President was obsessed with getting Saddam.  From a security standpoint was this the smart thing to do?

Cheney:     In hindsight...

Megaera:    In foresight, Mr. Cheney.  Was it smart to devote so many resources to toppling Saddam and so little to protecting the United States from terrorists?

Cheney:     I suppose not.

Megaera:    But you went along with this, didn't you?

Cheney:     Of course.

Megaera:    You could have told President Bush that more needed to be done about terror.  You could have told him that fundamental Islam was a threat to America.  You could have warned him that he was neglecting his duty, to make the world a safer place.  But you didn't.

Cheney:     I did what the President asked.

Megaera:    You could have stopped him.  You knew, didn't you?  You read the reports, the assessments, the analysis.  You knew what kind of mess Iraq was going to be.  You read Bush's father's book.  You read what James Baker said.  You were there the first time.  You knew.

Cheney:     Nobody knew what was going to happen.  People write books and say what they think the public wants to hear.  Nobody pays attention to any of that crap.

Megaera:    You could have stopped him.  But you didn't want to stop him.  That's it, isn't it?  You didn't want the drums of war to stop. 

Cheney:     Saddam Hussein was a threat!

Megaera:    You wanted an invasion of Iraq as much as Bush did.  What was it?  The oil?  Was that all?  Or was it all those reconstruction dollars that would go to Halliburton?  Or those lucrative contracts you could wrest from the Germans and the French?  Was getting your hands on those reason enough to go to war?

Cheney:     You don't understand anything!

Megaera:    I don't understand?  Make me understand.  Tell me why you went to war.  What did you want in Iraq?

Cheney:     Saddam was a bloodthirsty tyrant.

Megaera:    And you are not?  You sent an invasion army half way around the world in some kind of humanitarian gesture to unseat a bad guy?

Cheney:     Is that so hard to believe?

Megaera:    So why aren't you in North Korea unseating a dictator who is starving his people while he builds nuclear bombs?  Why aren't you in the Sudan?  Myanmar? 

Cheney:     It's not that simple.  Every case is different.

Megaera:    And what is different about this case?  Is it because Iraq had something you wanted?  Are you not in the other places because they don't anything lucrative enough to possess?

Cheney:     We have to think of American interests.

Megaera:    You invaded Iraq because it was good for business.  It's incredible how much money you can make when you own another country.

Cheney:     You don't understand what would have happened to Western economies if Saddam had been able to get his hands on the Saudi oil fields.

Megaera:    You invaded Iraq because it was profitable.

Cheney:     And what is wrong with making a profit?  It is the foundation of our economy.  It greases the wheels of commerce, creates jobs, makes it possible for you to buy your little electronic diversions.  It's what puts food on your table.

Megaera:    I thought farmers put food on the table.

Cheney:     Agribusinesses.  You are indebted to them.  Without them most of mankind would starve.  Try feeding six billion people from an organic farm.

Megaera:    Corporations, that's your answer?  The mighty money men at the top of the food chain.  Isn't that's where you've lived all your adult life?

Cheney:     I deserve it.  If it was left up to people like you, the whole world would be fucked up.  You need people like me in charge to make your decisions for you.  And anything that keeps me from being in control needs to be eliminated.

Megaera:    Like Osama bin Laden.

Cheney:     Like Osama bin Laden.

Megaera:    And Saddam Hussein.

Cheney:     And Saddam Hussein.

Megaera:    And the A.C.L.U.

Cheney:     Bunch of fucking liberal know-it-alls.

Megaera:    And the voters.  Don't forget the voters.