Act I, Scene 4

[A suburban living room.  Enter George.  He putters around for a while before turning on the TV and sitting down.]

T.V. sound: ...cost of crude oil soared again today hitting an all time high.  Analysts believe it possible by end of the year that the price of a gallon of regular gasoline could exceed the price of a glass of imported French mineral water...

[Enter Carol]

Carol:      What's the matter, honey?  Can't sleep?

George:     (grunts)

Carol:      Things going all right at work?

George:     Yes.

Carol:      Are you feeling okay?

George:     Yes.

Carol:      Is it your knee?  Is that bothering you again?

George:     No, I'm fine.

Carol:      Something you ate?

George:     There's nothing wrong.

Carol:      This is the third night in a row you've been up. 

George:     I know.  I just can't go to sleep right now. 

Carol:      What is it?  It is not good for you to miss this much sleep.

George:     Nothing!

Carol:      Well, it has to be something.

George:     I don't need an interrogation!  It's nothing!  I've just been having bad dreams.

Carol:      Just dreams?

George:     Yes, just dreams!

[Enter Meg]

Meg:        What's going on out here?  What's the noise?

Carol:      Go back to sleep, Meg.  George is just having bad dreams.

Meg:        Do his dreams involve a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce on top?

Carol:      I don't know.  George?  Do your dreams involve...

George:     NO!  No ice cream!

Meg:        That's too bad.  I feel like having some.  Would you like some, Carol?

Carol:      No, thank you, dear.

Meg:        Suit yourself.

[Exit Meg]

Carol:      Maybe you would like some warm milk, George.

George:     No.  I don't want anything.

Carol:      I could get you some of those night time Tylenol thingies.

George:     Carol!  I just had a bad dream.  It woke me up.  All I want to do is watch a little television before I go back to bed.  That's all I want right now.  Okay?

Carol:      Oh.  Okay, George. 

T.V. sound: ...the Capitol building was evacuated briefly today when an unidentified object was picked up on radar at Ronald Reagan International Airport.  Workers were let back in after officials at the Department of Homeland Security determined that the strange blip was nothing more than a large Luna moth...

Carol:      You're not feeling guilty about anything, are you George?

 [Enter Meg]

Meg:        Mmmm.  Chocolate.  Are you sure you guys don't want some?

Carol:      No, thank you, dear.

George:     I said I didn't want any damn ice cream!

Carol:      George!

George:     I'm sorry, Meg.  I don't want anything.

Meg:        Your loss.  Chocolate is really very good for you.  It contains an antioxidant called flavor-noids that block the damage caused by free radicals in the blood stream.  Also the damage caused by expensive radicals and anarchists.

George:     I forgot.  How long did you say your sister was going to stay with us this time?

Carol:      Two weeks.  She wants to spend some time checking out the area around NYU.  In case she transfers.

George:     Gods.

Carol:      George, be nice.

T.V. sound: ...were found guilty when their cell phone rang in open court revealing that the brothers were in possession of the controversial ring tone, "She cheated on me with Dick and Rummy, and all I got was this damn war."

Carol:      George, tell me about your dream.

George:     My dream?  Honey, you don't want to hear about my dream.

Carol:      Have you been dreaming about airplanes again?

George:     Not exactly.

Meg:        Did you have that dream where you are riding in a navy jet about to land on an aircraft carrier and the pilot collapses and you have to fly the plane?

George:     (grunts)

Meg:        You always looked pasty pale in the morning after you've had that dream. 

George:     It's a trial.

Carol:      Trial?  What do you mean trial?  Some kind of a contest?  Trial by fire?

George:     Trial by jury.

Carol:      Really?  Courtroom and everything?

George:     Yes.

Meg:        Is it some kind of celebrity trial?  With Judge Judy and Johnny Cochran?

George:     No.

Meg:        I would have liked to have seen Johnny Cochran on Judge Judy.  Imagine what that would have been like.  You would have had to get Jerry Springer to keep them apart.

George:     Nothing like that.

Carol:      Why does it wake you up?

George:     I feel frightened.  I'm the defendant and I'm scared of what will happen if they find me guilty.

Meg:        Really?  What crime have you committed?  I always took you for one of those snarky little masher types, sneaking around in the back of darkened theatres during screenings of "Dracula," lunging at girls' necks.

Carol:      Meg!

George:     I don't know why I am on trial.

Carol:      You don't?  Why not?

George:     It's a dream, Carol.  It doesn't make sense.

Carol:      What else?

George:     I'm President of the United States.

Carol:      Oh, no.  Not again.  You're the President?

George:     Yes.

Carol:      George.  You're not President of the United States.  You're a bond salesman with the same name as the President of the United States.  You know that, don't you?

George:     Yes, of course, I know that. 

Carol:      Sometimes I wonder.

George:     I'm not delusional.  It's just a dream.

Carol:      Eris says when we dream we are someone famous...

George:     Eris!  That bitch is a freak, a weirdo!

Carol:      George!

George:     She scams people out of their money with her hocus pocus fortune telling, casting magic spells, consorting with the devil...

Carol:      George!

George:     Ever since she moved in next door she has been poisoning you with her drivel...

Carol:      George!  What's gotten into you?  We've known Eris for years.  She's going through a hard time right now, what with the divorce and everything.  And, yes, she's experimenting with alternative forms of religion.

George:     Alternative?  Worshipping the devil is not an alternative.

Carol:      She doesn't worship the devil!  Oh, George.  I don't want to get into this.  You're driving me nuts with this obsession you have with the President.

George:     It isn't an obsession.  It's just a bad dream.

Carol:      You're sure that is all this is?

George:     Yes.

Carol:      There isn't anything else going on?

George:     No.

Carol:      You haven't gotten yourself involved with another...

George:     No!

T.V. sound: ...reunited to appear in six Mega-concerts over the next year.  A spokesman for front man, Fleagle, said that the release of the new US Government food pyramid had caused a wave of nostalgic interest in forbidden delights such as banana splits...

Carol:      You want to tell me more about these dreams?

George:     Not really.  I just wish they would go away.

Carol:      Sometimes when you talk about things, it purges them from your mind.  It's when you don't talk about them that they fester.  Maybe that's why you're having bad dreams.

George:     You get that bit of wisdom from Eris?

Carol:      No.  Dr. Phil.

George:     Oh.

Meg:        I would like to see Dr. Phil on Judge Judy.  He could psychoanalyze her and she could fine him for contempt of court.  Maybe they could have a death cage match just like on the wrestling channel.

Carol:      Meg.  You really should stop watching so much T.V.

Meg:        T.V. is good for you.  My popular culture instructor at Binghamton...  or was that Oswego?  I forget.  Anyway, he said that American television is the major force positively influencing the minds of American youth.  Or was that infecting?  I get those two mixed up.

George:     She has been going to college for the last ten years?

Carol:      Not quite that long.

George:     Has any of it rubbed off?

Carol:      Not one bit.

Meg:        Well, it has been lovely chatting with you both, but I think I am going back to bed.  Good luck with your legal problems, George.

George:     It's just a dream, Meg.

Meg:        Good luck with those, too.

[Exit Meg]

George:     You should go back to bed, honey. 

Carol:      Are you sure, George?

George:     I'll be fine.  I'll find an episode of Friends or something.

Carol:      I worry about you, George.

George:     I know, honey.  You worry about everybody.  You worry I'm not getting enough sleep.  You worry Harriet's kid hasn't learned to talk yet.  You worry that Eris and Chad won't get back together.

Carol:      Actually, I worry they will.

George:     Oh, she's too good for him?

Carol:      Yes, she is.

George:     You women stick together worse than chewing gum on movie seats.

Carol:      Men don't stick together?

George:     Nah, we're too competitive.  We like to stick it to each other.

Carol:      So you and Harold Moore are stabbing each other in the back every time you stay late at that bar?

George:     No.  We're stabbing the boss in the back.

Carol:      I'm just going to make myself some tea.  You want something?

George:     You could bring me a bag of pretzels.

Carol:      No, George.  We have had a talk about you eating pretzels in front of the T.V.

George:     Okay.

[Exit Carol]

T.V. sound: (fades out slowly) ...  natural remedy that kills all known deadly viruses and bacteria in the body and can help people with serious diseases such as influenza, SARS, cancer, and HIV.  Snake Oil, as the new drug is called, is made from extract of crocodile guano and a secret ingredient derived from the bones of deep sea snakes.  It comes in dozens of delectable flavors including  strawberry cream, cherry vanilla, orange orange, banana split, toenail polish...

George:     (snores)