Act I, Scene 2

[The courtroom. On stage: Judge, Bailiff, Louis, George, Agamemnon, Alecto, Megaera and Tisiphone.   The judge sits facing the audience.  The bailiff stands near him.   A jury box with thirteen persons, cardboard cutouts, all with black hoods over their heads, is to one side.  Agamemnon sits in the witness box.  Alecto stands near him.   The lawyers and defendant sit at tables with their backs to the audience. Louis and George sit together at one table; Megaera and Tisiphone at the other.  A sign, somewhere prominently displayed, says, "Basilica Absurdorum."]

Agamemnon:  It was on the day we all first gathered.  We stood on the palace steps, kings, princes, heroes of Greece.   The face of Apollo blazed off the bronzed armor and iron swords.   Flags unfurled in the strengthening wind.  That terrible wind.  

At first we thought the omen auspicious.  We were gladdened and strong hearted.  But the winds continued to blow.  Our ships could not sail.  Not into winds that would have faltered even favored Apollo.

Alecto:     You speak of an omen.

Agamemnon:  Yes.  Two eagles, one black, the other with a white tail, grasped a pregnant rabbit.   They tore it apart.   Ate her and the unborn ones.  Eagles are an emblem of the Cloud-Gatherer.   We took this as a sign that Zeus favored our quest.  That the gods would stand with us at the walls of the city and strengthen our hands.

Alecto:     Yet your fleet was held in port by the action of the gods.  You could not seek satisfaction for the dishonor of your brother's house.  If great Zeus loved your cause, what could stand against you?

Agamemnon:  Not all the gods were pleased.   Artemis, who watches over young girls, was pained at the unborn ones' distress.  Snatched away before they gasped their first breath.  This angered her.

Alecto:     How so?

Agamemnon:  Zeus' prophecy foretold the annihilation of Troy.  Our retribution would bring untold suffering to the innocents who lived within those walls.  This would deny her their adoration and sacrifice.

Alecto:     So she sent the winds to detain you?

Agamemnon:  Yes.  My men sat at idle pleasure while she kept us in port, stirred discontent at our cause, bolstered the men's fears.   She would not relent.  The enterprise floundered.

Alecto:     What did you do?

Agamemnon:  The only thing that would make her relent was a sacrifice.  Something to balance against what she had lost.  Against what she was about to lose.

Alecto:     What sacrifice did she demand?

Agamemnon:  My daughter.

[George and Louis turn in their chairs to face the audience like they are having a conversation unheard by the rest of the players, who appear to continue with the testimony.]

George:     What the hell?  I don't get this.   Who is this guy?

Louis:      Agamemnon.   King of Argos.   He led the Greeks to Troy.  sacked and raped the city.

George:     What's he doing on the stand?

Louis:      I believe the prosecution is establishing a line of responsibility between a king and his subjects.

George:     What the hell does he have to do with me?

Louis:      He's a king.  You're a king.

George:     I'm not a king.  I'm President of the United States!

Louis:      You rule, that's all that matters.   Kings send soldiers off to kill and plunder.   You have as well.

George:     Kill and plunder.  I sent no one off to do no such thing!

Louis:      They do it just the same regardless of your intent.  >But fret not.  As a king you have divine prerogative.  There is no penalty for what you have done.

George:     Divine prerogative?  If I've got divine prerogative, what am I doing on trial?

Louis:      Just because your god tells you to do something, doesn't mean you aren't responsible for your deeds.  You can always tell God no.

George:     You obviously don't come from Texas.

Louis:      No, I come from a civilized country.   France.

George:     France?  How the blazes did you get to be my lawyer?

Louis:      I believe the court conscripted me since you don't have an advocate of your own.

George:     No advocate?  You mean a lawyer?   Hell, I got lots of lawyers.  I got lawyers coming out of my pants in Washington and an outhouse full of them in Texas.

Louis:      I don't believe any of those have been admitted to the bar in this jurisdiction.  

George:     This isn't like any court room I was ever in back in Texas, that's for damn sure.

Louis:      You should be glad hearted.  Texas has the death penalty.

George:     What do I get if they find me guilty here?

Louis:      Depend on the crimes.  Probably cut off your ears or something.

[George puts his hands over his ears.  He and Louis turn back.]

Agamemnon:  We reached the central palace.  The walls danced in the light of the city aflame.  The defenders, foul Trojan dogs, hurled stones and wood beams upon us.  We set scaling ladders against the walls and some, too eager to wait, began scaling the wall by hand.  I had the turtle brought up and we battered the gate.

A squad of young enemy men in stolen Greek arms infiltrated our ranks.  The dogs on the wall could not distinguish between them and us and hurled their stones indiscriminately.  I recognized the deceit and rallied my men.   We killed most, drove the rest off.  I did not pursue.  Once I had the palace, such bands could be hunted down and exterminated at leisure.

One of the turrets above the wall had been fired.  The Trojans were forced by the heat to retreat toward the sky.  But they found no sanctuary.  Fire worked its way up the stairwell and the outer walls, scorching the stone as black as the hand of death.  

Several of the doomed within leapt to their deaths, rather than accept their lot and be burned alive.   When the turret finally collapsed, it crushed not just those inside, but many who stood at its base.  It left a gaping wound in the wall.  I entered and took the slaughter inside.

[George and Louis turn to the audience.]

George:     God, listen to him prattle on and on about some battle he was in.  What does this have to do with me?

Louis:      He's speaking of the Trojan War, the first war among men.  A great war.  A war of gods and heroes and great, terrible deeds.  The prototype for all wars that followed.

George:     Well, isn't this great.  I have to listen to some ancient Greek bedtime story.

Louis:      It is one of the fundamental myths of Western culture.

George:     Myth?  You letting them enter in myth as evidence against me?  Ain't none of it true?

Louis:      You don't believe the myth of the Trojan War is truth?

George:     Hell, no.  Only a fool would believe something like that.

Louis:      In my experience, there is a lot of truth in myth.  And a lot of falsehood in history.

George:     Well, listening to this is as bad as listening to my dad talk about being shot down in World War II. I still don't get what this has to do with me.

Louis:      The prosecution is taking a rather long view of things.  But this addresses the first charge against you.

George:     And what was that, again?

[The bailiff steps forward with something in his hand, a scroll or a book or something else to read from.]

Bailiff:    In the matter of History versus George W. Bush, the accused has been charged with the following crimes:

            First: the accused did willingly order his armed forces to attack, destroy, and otherwise engage in acts of aggression against a sovereign nation.

[The bailiff steps back.]

George:     Willingly?  What do they mean willingly?  It wasn't my fault.  They attacked me first!

Louis:      That's the spirit!

George:     They flew airplanes into my buildings.

Louis:      Treacherous fiends!

George:     They killed thousands of Americans.

Louis:      Villainous poltroons!

George:     We never did nothing to them.

Louis:      Actually, I believe you bombed their villages and a few mosques ...  and an aspirin factory.

George:     Aspirin factory!  You're talking about Bill Clinton.  Are you trying to saddle me with what that two flushing skirt chaser did?

Louis:      I'm on your side.  It is the Furies that are prosecuting you.

[At the mention of the word Furies, the Furies all hiss.]

George:     But what about what they did before that?   They tried to kill my daddy.

Louis:      After he invaded the Middle East.

George:     Saddam invaded Kuwait!

Louis:      Which was stealing his oil.

George:     You saying this all goes back to that?

Louis:      Actually, the roots go back a lot further.  At least to Abraham I believe.

George:     Lincoln?

Louis:      The biblical Abraham.

George:     You don't have to tell me about the bible.  I'm a Christian.  I know the bible.

Louis:      Do you know this?  "I have become the laughingstock of all peoples..."

George:     Is that from the New Testament?

Louis:      The old.  Lamentations.  When the children of Jacob had been carried into exile in Babylon.

George:     Well, if Jesus didn't say it, it ain't so.  I know because Tim LaHaye told me.

Louis:      I am sure Monsieur LaHaye knows God better than God knows himself.

George:     You're starting to get on my nerves.

Louis:      Well, then, let's move on to something else, shall we?

[Agamemnon exits.  Marie Davenport enters and sits in the witness box.  Alecto sits.  Louis rises and approaches the witness.]

Louis:      Your name, please.

Marie:      Marie Davenport.

Louis:      Your occupation.

Marie:      I am a housewife.

Louis:      Where were you on the morning of September 11th, 2001?

Marie:      I made breakfast for my husband and our three children in our lovely suburban home in Somerset County, Pennsylvania.  After they left, I went over to my friend Julie's home - they have a three bedroom split level over in Tudor Parke - and we knitted sweaters and watched T.V.

Louis:      Anything special on the television?

Marie:      We watched Katie and Matt for a while and then switched over to Regis and ...  ah ...  whichever girl it was, when the news people came on and said that a plane had run into one of the World Trade Towers.  You know, down in New York, those really tall buildings?

Louis:      Yes, the World Trade Center towers.

Marie:      Exactly.  We were both very upset so I called Nathan, that's my husband, and told him about it and he said that New York was a long ways off and I shouldn't worry about it and, of course, he was right, so I told Julie she shouldn't worry.  But she said that she knew someone who worked in the World Trade Center, her cousin or something, and she was all worried about her, so she tried to call but, of course, she couldn't get through and I told her it's probably not anything serious, just some misguided student pilot probably took a wrong turn at the airport and there probably wasn't anyone hurt, badly anyway.  Nathan said so.

Louis:      What happened next?

Marie:      Well, then another plane flew into the World Trade Tower and it was a big plane and there were flames and smoke all over the T.V.  Julie started getting hysterical so I gave her some of my valium and we both took some.  And then a plane hit the Pentagon and I called Nathan and he told me to calm down.  So I took some more valium.  But Julie was getting more and more anxious so I decided to drive home, and on the way I got lost and wandered down this old country road.  I was looking for a place to stop and call Nathan when it happened.

Louis:      What's that, dear?

Marie:      A plane fell out of the sky!  It fell down into the field right in front of my car!  It just fell down and went boom!  Like a big wounded bird!  It just fell down and went boom!  Boom!  Boom!  Boom!  Boom!  Boom!

Louis:      Can we get this madam some valium, please?

Marie:      Boom!  Boom!  Boom!   Boom!  Boom!  (etc.)

[Judge waves his hand and a bailiff brings glass of water.  Marie takes a pill and drinks.]

Louis:      Feeling better?  

Marie:      Yes, thank you.

Louis:      Makes everything tolerable, doesn't it?

Marie:      That's what Nathan says.  He encourages me to self medicate.  Says it makes me more like Martha Stewart.

Louis:      What happened next?

Marie:      I passed out, of course.  Wouldn't you?

Louis:      Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  What happened after you woke up?

Marie:      I was in Tender Mercies Hospital.   You know, the place where the local celebrities go when they want to dry out?  My throat was sore and I felt rather weak.   There was an IV in my arm.  This very nice doctor came in and asked me all kinds of questions, and he felt my knee and had me cough.  I have kind of a sexy cough.  (coughs sexily)  I asked him if it was serious.  That's when he told me they had pumped my stomach.  Seems he thought I had taken too many pills.  Silly of him, wasn't it?

Louis:      Yes, verily.

Marie:      So, anyway, I was lying there in the hospital bed in a green gown that didn't match my eyes.  If they have to put you in gowns like that, at least they should give you a choice of colors.  I'm watching TV and Julie comes on the local news, talks about her cousin or whomever down in New York, and I'm thinking they should be interviewing me because I am the one who saw the plane fall out of the sky and go boom! right in front of her.  Then the nurse comes in and gives me an injection of something and I fall asleep.  

Everyday it goes like that.  There's always something on the TV and then the plane falls from the sky and goes boom! and I get injected and I go to sleep.

Louis:      You should watch less television.

Marie:      That's what the doctor said.  So I don't watch T.V. anymore.  But there's always something.  A newspaper.  A book.  Something somebody says.   A bird on a branch outside my window.  Every day a plane falls from the sky and goes boom!  Every day a plane falls from the sky and goes boom!  Every day a plane falls from the sky and goes boom!  

Louis:      Marie!

Marie:      Yes?

Louis:      If you could have anything, anything at all, what would it be?

Marie:      I would have things be the way they were.  Before.

Louis:      Before the plane fell out of the sky?

Marie:      Did that happen to you too?